Messy Fish Origin Story

Hey, Hey, Fishes,

For those of you who don't know me, My name is Annamarie Green - the creator of this beautiful fish bowl. I am a clinical therapist, intuitive healer, and life coach. I am also the creator of the magical and life changing framework called The Anxiety Languages (if you don’t know your primary anxiety language head HERE to take the free online quiz). I am an expert on all things anxiety professionally, personally, and energetically . I have helped dozens take back their life from being controlled by anxiety, fear, and past traumas. I’m not kidding my clients go from feeling totally lost and hopeless to empowered, motivated and ready to use their anxiety to obtain the life of their dreams…but more on that later. Outside my professional roles, I am a single mom, the oldest child of 5 (I know…it’s a village), long distance runner, lover of moving my body in new ways, and a professional *ish* baker. Although I've been a Messy Fish my whole life, there was a time when I ran away from and avoided this part of me. I had a wall between me and the rest of the world and it took time before realizing I had to acknowledge the messiness and own it.

In the last 6 years, the mess has popped OFF! It was like someone in heaven decided to compact decades of significant life changes and breakthroughs into the middle of my 20s just funsies. It started with a surprise pregnancy while I was a junior in college. My daughter is THE BOMB DOT COM, and I love her with every ounce and molecule of my being. But when I found out - it was rough. My body was filled with overwhelming sensations and feelings - the things I had spent so much of my life avoiding. The sense of failure. I had already failed my daughter before she was born. I couldn't give my child the things I had always dreamed of giving. I always wanted to become a mother - but I HAD A PLAN ( a 10-year-plan in fact). And when pregnant, there’s no hiding it. You wear it - everyone in the world can see what's going on, and I am a VERY private person (when it comes to hardships or when I don't know what to do). Not only that, but it brought up a bunch of family conflicts and trauma. It was a wild ride - I didn't die. I wanted to -because I thought my daughter was better off without me, and I had failed so many people that believed in me. But I had great support systems - pep talk givers, and I found other women IN MY COLLEGE who were going through the same thing (THANK GOD!). It was a long journey forward, and I was determined to not be slowed down by childbirth or child-raising. My mindset was “every woman before me did it and they had fewer resources than I do. So I can be in school full time after giving birth, start my internship, apply to graduate schools, have a social life, and finish completing a research grant”.

I had ZERO chill. 21-year-old Annamarie had even MORE to prove. I thought of it as, "I am already disabled, black, and a woman. What's adding single mother to the list?" And I did ALL of those things - quite messily. I remember finishing my senior thesis the MORNING it was due. Having panic attacks about my math homework after my daughter had refused to latch for 15 minutes and had screamed the entire time. Or feeling like a failure because I couldn't get her to sleep longer than 45 minutes at night, and I knew I had an exam, a paper, and class the next day.

I got through it. I graduated. I started grad school and moved to Pittsburgh. My daughter stayed with my parents, 3.5 hours away. I broke up with my daughter's father after she was 3 months old because I couldn't take care of him, me, and her. I loved him, and he was the best dad. I felt unattractive, unfulfilled, like a failure and a liar. But my people helped me stay afloat. My biggest cheerleader - was Bryan (my daughter's dad). We were broken up but weren't (you know the deal). Then May of 2019, after completing my first year of grad school, Bryan died. He passed away from suicide. My entire world broke that day, and sometimes it still feels broken. Our daughter was 1.5 years old. I was 23 years old. He was 24 years old. And my world went dark for a while. I couldn't feel it. I just did - I worked. Everything started to spin - I didn't know why I was doing things anymore or what my goals were outside of stability and moving on. I didn't believe in wallowing - I didn't feel I had time for it. That's the funny thing about emotions - if we don't make time - they make it for us.

This led us to Michigan. EIGHT HOURS from my family, and I've never lived outside of PA. My best friend and I trudged to the Midwest - hoping to create stability. Flash Forward to 2020. I met a guy - he was a great guy. I was terrified of telling him I had a daughter - afraid of rejection. But I did it anyway, and he accepted me. But he did resent me and the resentment only grew as each year went by. I was willing to look past that because he was a “great guy”. We dated, I went through changes, and I started figuring out who I was. We got engaged. We got unengaged - broke up for 24 hours, and tried to make it work for a year. MESSY. FISH. I let myself become someone I didn't recognize in the relationship because of fear. I allowed someone to call himself a dad to my daughter, who was only willing to show up as the fun, consistent uncle. I let people who didn't even know me treat me disrespectfully because I didn't "fit in"- until I was always anxious. I tried to make it work for my daughter - but I watched my ability to show up as a mom shrink as I felt less of myself. It was like I was watching myself dissolve trying to make the relationship work. I would frequently wonder - “this is what I dreamt of since I was a little girl? A relationship? A marriage? That feels like this?”. I made excuses for and ignored behavior that a past version of myself would had never put up with. My heart broke, facing the reality of what was ahead - this wasn’t for me. And staying with him started to hurt physically, emotionally, and mentally. The break-up tore me up. Another failure to add to my growing list and another "dad" that broke my daughter's heart, and I couldn't protect her from it.

Between those significant changes was a cluster of other chaos like unearthing childhood trauma, unemployment, less-than-wise romantic partner choices, financial crisis’, spiritual awakenings, and A LOT of self-loathing. But it's all mine - these things make up my life, and I love it. Being a messy fish is a part of being human. The beauty of this process was over the last 6 years I learned about myself and my gifts. I helped dozens of people in their healing, self-exploration, and personal empowerment to break free from cycles and lives that drained them. Anxiety became my new best friend (and superpower for navigating hardships), I fell in love with (and became pretty good at) baking, and I started a business that gives me life. I finally am the mother and woman I have always wanted to be (yes, I am still messy). I am still a work in progress, but being a messy fish is my most authentic version of self, and once I started to embrace it, things started falling into place.

Present day. I am single and enjoying time with my daughter. I love baking and singing, and being myself. I started a business in 2021 and am still figuring it out. Some days I am frustrated and crying and the next I am singing and dancing while making a new vegan dessert. But all of the ways I love this life. I have choices to make and new terrain to navigate. I have experienced a lot but feel more of myself than ever. That also means I FEEL MORE; thus, life transitions feel messier than ever.

I've lived my life in two dialects of messy. The mess that feels suffocating - it's pretending to be something or someone that doesn't feel right. It's not having boundaries and feeling like you are constantly fighting uphill. Putting off happiness to achieve that next thing. It's the death of the soul and creates destruction in its path - colors dim and emotions numb. Soon it feels like you are blindly going through the motions of your own life. Then there's the mess that is liberating, full of color and life, joy and sorrow. The kind of mess that has you belly-laughing with your best friend at 2 am. Or laugh-crying at the flood in your bathroom because your daughter wanted to make a waterfall. The kind of mess that fills your life with love feels natural and nurturing - that frees us and helps us continue creating and experiencing a rich and vibrant life. A life that is ours.

So no matter where you are in life or how you feel about yourself. You belong here in this space. Having a community is the one thing that can help us get through hard times. I hope that you feel at home here. Messy Fishes is for everyone just trying to figure it out and leave the world a better place than they found it. Being a messy fish is a lifestyle, BUT once you embrace it and have a tribe that loves you through it. You feel more alive than ever before.

I'll see you next time, Fishes! Stay Messy!

Annamarie Green

P.S - Want to work with me? Head HERE to learn about private coaching, Anxiety Readings, or customized meditations.