How Long Does It Take To Get Over a Breakup - What To Do When You Need Closure?
When you think you need closure at the ending of a relationship
Relationships – we love them and also sometimes can’t stand them. They are an ever evolving large part of our human experiences. I was recently doing a healing for and talking to a friend who brought up that she reached out to an exe partner because she felt like she couldn’t leave it the way it ended and needed closure. I listened with an open heart and open mind – but I knew from my many years of dating and energetic understanding that the closure we need is rarely found in another person. One more meeting, one more conversation, or one more connection with the person we are separating from be it romantically or platonically doesn’t provide that peace we think is hiding there.
And this isn’t coming from a place of judgement or finger waging at the people who do feel this way. I HAVE BEEN THERE MANY MANY TIMES. In fact more times then I care to count. I spent most of my datable age being the queen of “exes can be your friends”and “I need closure to move on”. At one point in my life I was “friends” with every single past rendezvous, dalliance, relationship, whatever you want to name my romantic escapades. I liked to keep ties after the initial sting or breakup subsided – afterall we had spent so much time getting to know each other and investing time and energy into our connection why should it completely disappear just because on a romantic level it didn’t work out? And if I am being 100% honest with you it wasn’t until my most recent break up in December 2022 that I realized that having a connection with every single exe was not serving me OR THEM. I had some tough love moments with myself and with my friends and therapist.
One of my big moments of recognition was that whenever I felt I needed to “say my peace” or “get closure” or my personal favorite “I just want to check and see how they are doing -make sure they are okay”. Whenever one of these phrases crossed my mind or was whispered under my breath so my best friend couldn’t hear my plans – what I really wanted was comfort. Comfort of what was already known to fill something that was uncomfortable internally. I wanted a chance for them to convince me otherwise, another opportunity to see if I could get back those initial feelings that would distract me from something uncomfortable, something sad, something scary around or within me.
Seeking closure doesn’t happen through one last word and one last visit doesn’t usually make us feel better. Because when we seek this out to “move on” or “be okay” with the change that has happened, we are leaving our emotional wellness up to external forces and ultimately just delaying the pain or ickiness we are avoiding. Every relationship ending will have grief – even if you didn’t think you liked the person that much. Your energy got used to them – even their poophead moments and as scientifically social creatures’ physical companionship adds lots of feel-good chemicals to our brain. On top of that many times we end up trauma bounding with people or using them a distraction even subconsciously. So, once they leave – if we are left without anything to replace them…. we are left to face what we’ve been running from all along– ourselves.
Take this from a former playa-playa. Yes – this spiritually attuned, empathetic therapist had quite the team roster in between boyfriends while in college and grad school. I was someone who was ALWAYS in a relationship. In fact, this is the first time since I started dating in 6th grade that I have not had a boyfriend, situationship, going on dates multiple times a week, or guys that I am talking to (I know - it made my eyes bug out of my head when I realized that too). And I’ve been single for only 7 months. It’s actually been amazing and part of me is wondering if I will ever go back to dating (I can hear the eye rolls from my besties across the globe at this statement). But it’s the first time that dating isn’t a focus. That marriage isn’t a goal line….and I like it. Anyway, back to the main point of this post – you don’t need another person to experience closure. In fact, it’s not something that usually happens with other people. Closure is an individual process of your mind, body, and energy healing or closing a chapter and clearing the energy.
The process of feeling closure is something that occurs internally and comes from the depths of your soul and psyche. It’s coming to terms with your fears and wounds that came to the surface during that relationship and as a result of its ending. Even when you are angry with the person because they hurt you and might even suck tbh. The closure comes from you.
Anger isn’t a social emotion. It doesn’t need others in order to be felt, processed, and released from energy or the body. It needs action. So, if your anger and frustration is part of the reasoning you have for wanting to call up your exe and set up coffee to “discuss what happened” I challenge you to step back and instead try an emotional release strategy.
When I am experiencing a lot of anger - like brought to tears, wanting to smash glass, angry (anyone know the seen from He’s Just Not That Into You where Jennifer Connelly’s character finds out her husband is cheating on her, and she smashes the brand-new mirror. Then she immediately goes and gets a broom to sweep up the mess of her anger while she weeps? – Yeah like that). When I am filling to the brim with rage – I get my favorite broom or plastic bat and I hit the couch or bed as hard as I can (on the soft parts) usually yelling or speaking out my anger and crying while I do it. If I am at my parent’s house the punching bag in the garage is my favorite rage companion.
But I give my anger time and space to exist, be felt, and be expressed. But I don’t frequently do it to the other person. I used to – I used to save my frustrations and anger trying to bottle it up and ignore it. Until it would spill over onto someone else and when it would spill over I would “need closure”. I wanted to direct my emotions at someone - have someone take them away or make them less than. And usually just wanted the comfort of what I knew. So, I’d send the text or snap. The vague and incriminating “Hey” just to distract me.
The point of this article is to let you know that you don’t need to have another conversation with your exe (unless you’re coparenting). You don’t need to let them know how much they sucked – they most likely won’t see it and even if they do, whatever response they choose won’t make the pain or uncomfortable feelings you have go away. If anything it will take you farther away from yourself because we usually end up blaming ourselves for the fact that we feel the way we feel.
Seeking closure is a way for us to stay disconnected from a certain part of ourselves. And on an energetic level continuing to see your exe because it’s hard to move forward continues the energetic ties that drain you and make you feel heavy and stuck. One of the things I did this time around for my last breakup was an energetic healing to cut the cords between us and the past versions of me that “needed” him. I did that right away (like 24-48 hrs) and although I still had big emotions to face that were painful and scary (and I was the one that ended it). It didn’t feel as sticky. But a couple weeks into the breakup I returned from my holiday vacation with family and the time had come to go to his house to pick up my stuff. I was anxious. VERY anxious – all the work I had done internally the past couple weeks were on the fringe as I was plunged back into how I felt towards the end of our relationship anxious, insecure, ready for the shoe to drop, bracing myself for his anger at me and on the verge of tears.
My best friend (bless her soul), calmly drove me to his house, turning up the music of some of our favorite songs and didn’t say a word. I let the music settle my nervous system (it’s an almost instant nerve remedy for me). Before getting out of the car my best friend said “You are strong and worthy of something more. Don’t let him make you feel less then”. We didn’t hug but I could feel her energy surrounding me nudging me forward (I had avoided this for 2 weeks). I went in and my energy shifted slightly – I detached from my body to try and feel less. And after a semi-brief discussion (he felt he needed closure). I left and never saw or spoke to him again - even though during the conversation I found myself agreeing that we should be friends in the future. We had given each other closure (although from my end it was just receiving his ego anger and reactions) and yet nothing felt closed. It felt open and I felt raw – after leaving I felt angrier – it had made this process worse. I was enraged and I knew talking to him or seeing him again wouldn’t relieve me of this discomfort. And so, for the first time in my entire life I realized that closure wasn’t about closure. It is an ego response – wanting comfort in whatever way we can get it. Whether that’s rekindling a level of the relationship, lashing out after being hurt, or keeping people around for lonely days. The reasons we desire closure – the feeling we are seeking is actually shining light on what we think and feel about ourselves.
So when my friend talked about how she wanted this “closure” I held space for her. I completely understood where she was coming from. And I let her know the secrets that desiring closure holds. When she asked about what I did to overcome it – I talked about the few times since my breakup I have thought about my exe and missed him or some dynamic we had. I used those moments as opportunities to go inwards and ask, “what part of myself is feeling lonely or unseen, unloved and how can I show up for that part of me”. Because when I “missed him” – it wasn’t about him. It was about the parts of me that felt loved and seen by him. They were calling out to me and asking for attention the only way they knew how. And so, this heartbreaking process transformed into a journey of self-love and growth and closure from the one place that could give it to me - inside myself.
Whenever you hear yourself or think to yourself that you need closure. I challenge you to go inwards. Investigate different parts of yourself, emotions, interests that the other person brought out and shine light onto and into them. It makes the breakup process much easier.
But if you are like MANY of use and need some extra support during a particularly difficult breakup – I gotchu. Leave a comment or DM me on IG so I can support you. If you are interested a healing to help you move on from your break – I also understand that (it’s literally what helped with this one – I have some great friends). DM me or email me today. See you soon Fishes – stay messy!
