The Anxiety Languages: Martyr Language
Hi Messy Fishes! So this week I have a double hitter! I have this article and one on the mental benefits of the energetic healing Cord Cutting. I am very excited about both. I have had a lot of people ask me about the Anxiety Languages recently which is something I haven’t talked about a lot in the last couple months on social media. But this framework is actually one of the big things and concepts I ever started to receive and understand energetically - its a stepping stone that got me to start understanding mental health on an energetic level. I started writing this book called The Anxiety Languages: The 5 secret ways your anxiety is speaking to you and trying to guide you back to joy. I worked on it for months and was so proud of what it became. But I created a book proposal and didn’t back and got really frustrated and a whole bunch of other things in my life started rapidly changing. So this went on the back burner. I’m not sure when I will start working on it again as I have two other book projects I am working on that feel more aligned right now. But with the increase of people asking and wanting to explore this I figured I would start releasing some of the old chapters I wrote so they weren’t just collecting digital dust on my cloud.
I wrote these chapters back before I become a professional intutiive and still hid my intuitive gifts from the world. I was very split - so you won’t hear too much of the energetic or intuitive work within these chapters. And rest assured when I do pick this project back up - each chapter will be redone and include what I’ve discovered the last two years. Because I wrote this in 2020/2021. I hope this chapter brings you peace, joy, laughter, and insight into what is really at the root of your anxiety and how digging deep can change your life.
I look back on these chapters and smile - because I not only see my growth but I can hear it. In my tone and perspectives. How different I am and how much more confident I am in what I offer the world. So please enjoy! Until next time fishes! Stay Messy!
P.S - All client names were changed and also all client stories mentioned gave their written permission.
Chapter 4: Language 2: Martyr: Being "Selfless" is anxiety disguised
I know the most remarkable people. I am surrounded by them everywhere I go. The problem is that they have no idea they are so marvelous, unique, and powerful. They are too focused on what others "need" or want from them. They are fixated on being of service to the whole world, especially their loved ones, to the point where their selflessness robs them of their identity, power, and happiness. They don't know it, but their anxiety speaks to them through their service mindset. Their anxiety is speaking the Martyr Language.
Have you ever observed someone? Genuinely listened with your heart while they were speaking to you? And when they talked, you could feel the deep well of emotions pooling underneath the surface. That's how it was with one of my clients. She reluctantly came to me over a year ago, and from the moment she first started telling me her story, I could feel the pain underneath the words and the hopelessness in her body language. She was lost and drifting further and further away from the shores of herself.
Cecelia, 57-year-old female. Married with multiple children of varying ages, fully employed, reported experiencing moderate to severe anxiety symptoms starting in adolescence and continuing into the present, with symptoms worsening in the last two years without any specific reason. Symptoms were reported to negatively impact her sleep, focus, and general daily functioning.
That was the clinical description of what Cecelia was experiencing. This is pretty uninformative and focuses on the physical symptoms of anxiety instead of the transparent information provided when looking at her social relationships' emotions.
So let's try that again—here's a little about this client. Cecilia is one of those women where you feel her kindness and nervousness from across a room. She is cautious with all things, especially her heart. When she first started seeing me, it was a last resort. She had recently had a catastrophic and heartbreaking fight with one of her daughters—the kind of fight that warranted distance and an inability to properly communicate when they had to interact with one another. Cecelia felt lost, on edge, and out of control. This was not the first time she and her eldest had gone to battle against one another, and she felt their once harmonious and close bond eroding in recent years. Cecelia is a wonderful, loyal, kind woman and mother. But in her own words, she "feels like she is a bad mom and doesn't deserve to be a mom." During these 55 minutes, she fluctuated from feeling like a total failure and undeserving of her deeply loved children to being so angry she could barely breathe.
As she continued to talk, a couple things became crystal clear. 1) The people she loved were what her world spun around. She was very hard on herself, very hard-working, and gave up who she was for the sake of helping others. 2) On her quest to be a "good mother" deserving of the children she created, she gave everything all the time, fearing the day she said no, one or all of her children would revolt against her and disown her as their mother. And 3) She didn't believe happiness was meant to be a part of her life.
In other words, she was terrified her children would believe what she secretly thought of herself: That she was a lousy mother, undeserving of their love. She didn't know it yet, but her anxiety was screaming at her in the tongue of "Martyr."
At the beginning of our journey together, her focus and only goal was figuring out how to stop this conflict cycle she always found herself in with her daughter. You see, when she fought—when the anger was too much to keep muzzled in the back anymore—she often found herself saying things she knew would hurt. Because secretly, she wanted her daughter to feel the hurt Cecelia had felt. She would try to rationalize afterward, talking about how it's nothing compared to what she experienced growing up. But it didn't leave her feeling any better—at the end of each fight when the conversations were over, and things fell quiet, Cecelia felt a loathing deep inside for herself that directed everything she did. It didn't matter if other people forgave her—she had to remind herself of the proof that she was "bad.” Then she did what many do—she held onto it.
It may sound like she is simply suffering from severe anxiety and distrust of others, probably related to some past stuff that may be mixed with "something else." You're partially correct—we all have past gunk that shows up today, and our emotions are fundamental in our ability to function! But you've probably already heard that in your quest for answers about anxiety. Cecelia's problem was not the unsettled feeling or constant worry plaguing her thoughts—those are byproducts of living disconnected.
Cecelia had spent the last three to four decades of her life unknowingly experiencing life through her anxiety. Her anxiety made all her choices and had connections with others while her true self was quietly tucked away. Her anxiety spoke Martyr and at the core of this language is a foundational fear of being a bad person. The anxiety communicates a disconnect related to shame and severe dislike of oneself. This belief is that you are bad and do not deserve happiness or love. That belief threatens and weaponizes our souls and our expression.
Initially, she had no idea about the depths of her anxiety and how far back it extended into her childhood. Once I identified her language and explained the foundations of how it usually is created, the floodgates opened.
We could deconstruct and understand the root of every fight she had with her daughter. We traced it back to an original IEE from her past that triggered emotions neatly tucked away, feelings that her subconscious believed were dangerous to her physical and emotional survival.
For example, Cecelia often felt unappreciated and unloved by her children and husband because of their actions and how they chose to live. Especially when she made constant efforts to be everything and do anything they possibly needed, only to be met with what she interpreted as a lack of caring. With her eldest daughter, since she had grown, left for college, and had a child of her own, they spoke significantly less, and her daughter appeared to have walls up.
Cecelia had a complicated relationship with her parents growing up. When she spoke of her father, her tone was empathetic and loving. "He is so loving and sensitive. He's also brilliant and wise. He's always the one who pushes for you to live your dreams and wants more for you. He worries a lot." It took a couple sessions for her to open up about their relationship during her childhood and adolescence, when he was prone to harsh ridicule, exhaustion, and rage-filled outbursts towards his children. She would constantly add that he was sorry and always felt incredibly guilty about his outbursts—"It's just how families are." Cecelia was unaware of how her father had passed down her Anxiety Language, which added to the fluidity of her own experience with the Martyr Language.
Her tone slightly changed when she described her mother, and her body stiffened somewhat. "She is also very loving—especially towards her grandchildren. She is very wise and has seen a lot during her time. But when I was growing up, she rarely said I love you or hugged you—she wasn't very soft. You knew she loved you, but it wasn't who she was.”
While growing up, she experienced fits of unpredictable, exhausted anger from a father speaking the Martyr Language and a completely disconnected and emotionally unresponsive mother speaking the Numb(er) anxiety language. Neither one made a safe space for her to exist as herself. She was taught early that being herself was not good and only caused trouble. And causing problems meant you were terrible.
She believed she was bad because when she expressed herself as a child, she was met with anger, disappointment, or physical actions that the brain considers a threat (AKA bad). As children, our minds do not digest complex reasoning. So when her father or mother treated her with disdain, physically disciplined her through hitting/spanking, or verbally berated her, she internalized it as "I am bad. This bad thing is happening because I am bad." She changed her behavior and witnessed how conforming and being of service to the people around her decreased the risk of being hurt emotionally and physically. Doing good things could make people think she was "less bad," and as a result, they wouldn't punish her.
Fun Fact: Individuals with Martyr as their primary language have a bit of subtle and unacknowledged obsession with “punishments” and “rewards.” Essentially everyone’s behavior and every experience they have is either a punishment or reward for being “good” or “bad.”
So when her adult children—specifically her daughter—did something her brain considered “bad,” like lie or talk back, she was flooded with emotions and sensations rooting back to those original experiences. That something "bad" is happening because she is "bad." Her daughter's actions feel like a direct assault on her, which short circuits her nerves because her system isn't working. Then when she lashes out with anger from her emotional reserve, she reacts in a way that proves to herself she is "bad" or deserving of the treatment she is receiving.
A big thing to remember about Martyrs is that the more they give, the easier it is to trigger them or cause a breakdown. This is because of the "Martyr Mistake Cycle," as I call it. Martyrs give and give to everyone around them, especially those who are "struggling." They do not put up boundaries and do not feel they can say no. Again, this is because they think they are a bad person, and to make up for that "badness," they must constantly give to others. But continually giving to others is exhausting, and it does not prevent them from having emotions. So emotions build up along with tension. When someone says something or does something that feels "bad," it triggers the belief they are bad. As a result, they lash out, usually explosively through verbal interactions, and they swing where it hurts. Their actions make them feel guilty and ashamed, confirming in their mind that they are a bad person and need to earn love and acceptance by serving others, putting them right back at the beginning for the cycle to start again. The people around them may consider them "highly sensitive or emotional people" because sometimes, what are considered "small" events can trigger intense outbursts. It isn't that what happened was small but that it hit the low-bearing fruit of their IEE and unexpressed emotions. Nevertheless, these outbursts support the individual that their feelings are “bad,” their actions are “bad,” and that they are indeed “bad” and undeserving of happiness or love.
Cecelia made choices in her life based on the belief that she is a bad person and is undeserving of her wildest dreams: a life filled with joy and happiness, or to be fully seen or loved. The Martyr Language causes individuals to see things from a pessimistic view because they believe they do not deserve happiness. It makes them feel like the only way to balance out the scales of good versus bad is to completely abandon who they are and give up their hopes, dreams, and happiness in the service of others. They only allow themselves what they think they deserve, leaving individuals feeling lonely, unsatisfied, and unfulfilled in all areas of their lives. Without identity, purpose, or pleasure, they believe everyone else's needs are above their own.
We focused on connecting to and understanding her Anxiety Language and what events we wanted her to focus on. We broke down each behavior relating it to this fear of being punished and used that as a roadmap to what events needed processing and what emotions required expressing to return her sense of internal safety.
We started with memory visualization exercises to help connect to her stuck emotions and reprocess them in an expressive way that allowed them to be released. We discovered that her anxiety communicated this way because she needed to focus on healing and processing the events of her childhood. Specifically with her parents, how their interactions made her think who she was, what she wanted, and how she expressed herself were "bad.” That her identity, love, and happiness were something that needed to be earned through service.
HOLY FREAKING COW! The results were MINDBLOWING. During those 8 months, her life totally changed! I know—that sounds cliche. She was one of the first clients I introduced these concepts to, which was revolutionary in my success in helping other clients with anxiety. To give you a better picture, imagine someone who was partially blind their whole lives now being able to see. Kind of like that New Girl episode where Winston gets glasses to correct his severe color blindness, taking everything in and crying. Yeah, like that, but 1000x better.
Cecelia returned to school to become an NP, started traveling, and reconnected with people. She no longer did things because she felt an urge to earn being loved—she was free. She was freed from service and confinement as her true identity came to the forefront. She recognized areas where she deserved more and was open with what she believed in. She said for the first time in her whole life, she doesn't have a constant pit in her stomach, a dread that something terrible will happen, or a thought in the back of her mind questioning if what she is doing is enough to keep what she has. During this time, she rediscovered a love of dancing and singing that she had forgotten and not felt since she was 7 or 8 years old. She said in her closing session everything seems "warmer, brighter, and I am noticing more about myself and the people around me. Not just what they expect from me." She feels more loved in her relationships and can now handle difficult conversations without lashing out impulsively.
How remarkable is that transformation? It makes me so giddy seeing clients come home to themselves after being disconnected for so long! You're probably twitching in your seat for information on what we specifically did to help her get those results using her anxiety language. Don't worry; there will be a deeper breakdown later in Chapter 8.
**Quick side note: “bad”/“badness” is quotation marked throughout this chapter because YOU ARE NOT BAD. I want you to understand that—you do not need to earn happiness or connection with others. You deserve love and acceptance just for being yourself. You interpret your authentic self as “bad” because that is what you were taught. But it's not who you are, and we will get you to the other side of the tunnel soon. By the end of this chapter, you will be saying, "I love my freaking self in and out of the tunnel because I know who I am, and I deserve sunshine. I deserve to say no to what doesn't make me feel safe or excited."**
Let's break down the specifics of this language so you can clearly visualize what this looks like: why, how, and what anxiety is trying to communicate through this language. This is all the juicy stuff you need to start dissecting your own experience and diving a little deeper into what's keeping you stuck here in anxiety zombie land.
Martyr Language Details
Summary: The Martyr Language emphasizes a need for an individual to be of service to people and things around them that need help. This language roots in the fear of being “a bad person” and therefore undeserving of experiencing life. These individuals lack boundaries and feel they do not have the freedom to say no. This commonly leads to an explosive outburst I call the Martyr Mistake Cycle, a self-sabotaging loop that “proves” their belief that they are bad.
Generalized Path Back: Leaning into the things you are ashamed of or feel like has made you a “bad person” worthy of constant punishment, even if they are little things. What behaviors/interactions or environment you hear yourself invalidating your own experiences or focusing on what other people need or what you can give. Take a step further and ask yourself who or what triggers outbursts or huge emotional reactions. What people, places, things, or systems make you feel like you are being punished? Following your triggers and motivators back to specific events/people will help you uncover where you have unprocessed feelings and ultimately where you are hiding, what you need, and how to move forward. Also check Chapter 8 for the deeper deets on following and exploring your path.
Common Behaviors:
Invalidating emotions or experiences by comparison to others/focusing on other people that need help
Example: I am stressed about finances. But I shouldn't complain when there are people who are homeless and without food.
Judgemental of other people who are not being of service or do not need help
Emotional outbursts of anger
Saying hurtful things they claim to not mean but use whenever they are having an emotional outburst
Emphasizes (feels a NEED) doing things for others
When others do not seek them out for help/advice, it feels like a rejection
Uses framework "that's just how it/life is"
Defines their value by what they are doing for others/what they can give
Do not feel they have an option when asked to do something for someone else
Will say YES on the outside to things when their insides feel like NO
Holds on to their mistakes and assumes everyone else is holding onto them, too
Is very "past-oriented" and is frequently nostalgic about the past
Negative mindset – pessimistic but calls themselves "realists."
Struggles thinking ahead to the future because of negative thinking
Does not have "big dreams" and doesn't believe in them
Black and White mindset – "This is bad" v. "This is good."
Common "Unexplained" Feelings:
Unappreciated
Unworthy
Guilty
Ashamed
Uninspired
Anger/Rage
Dread
Need to be caring for someone or something
Common Thought Patterns:
People only care or love them when they are giving them what they want
Focus on other people's problems instead of their own
Give advice to other people without implementing it into their own lives
I am a terrible person (I can also look like a sibling, parent, friend, partner, etc.)
If I didn't do things for people, they would reject me
If people really knew me, they wouldn't like/love/care for me
I don't deserve my friends/family/loved ones etc.
I am not meant to be happy
My purpose/job in life is to make other people happy/ save others
Life is only filled w/ positive moments, but most of life is hard/bad/upsetting, etc.
If I do everything and be everything everyone needs, then I will be loved and valued
Motivators (Triggers):
Feeling like they are a terrible person
Feeling like they have to earn love/acceptance
Feeling accepted
Feeling unworthy
Being hurt emotionally or physically
Everyone else's happiness
Balancing out their "badness."
Common Root Causes:
Being emotionally/physically hurt by a loved one because of action/inaction
Being hurt emotionally/physically when trying to communicate boundaries
Being told that if they don’t want x,y,z (punishment) to occur they will do what they are told
Love/Affection/Attention being withdrawn from the person when a loved one is displeased with the person’s behaviors
Being shown love/affection specifically when a person is being of service to others
Areas of Conflict:
Poor boundaries that negatively impact relationships
Emotional outbursts caused by the "Martyr Cycle of Mistakes" (see the section below)
No service to others = no motivation/lack of purpose
Assumes the worst of people, places, and things
Sees loved ones as parts of themselves and take their decisions personally
Social Conflicts:
Challenging to have or maintain close relationships because of the "Mistake Cycle."
Very volatile close relationships because of a lack of boundaries and emotional outbursts
Struggles w/ new social situations related to not knowing what will be expected of them
See loved ones as part of themselves and take their decisions and actions personally
Breakdowns: Breakdowns commonly look like this….
Verbally lashing out/ Wanting others to feel as upset as they are - being bothered when they are not
Shutting down, disconnecting, and self-isolating
Bringing up their past mistakes in new discussions
Selflessness is a surefire way to not only burn out but isolate yourself from the world around you. It is perceived as a noble quality—globally accepted. This is precisely why it is so easy for us to get comfy and cozy with our anxiety from this space. It's also why anxiety speaks this language—social acceptance? It's the perfect way to survive. If you aren't seen, you can't be hurt, right? But it's wrong and completely missing the little love notes your anxiety gives you about how to heal and re-release your inner self.
The Martyr Language focuses on selflessness as a form of survival. Selflessness keeps you safe for the times you need it. This servitude dialect is also a key to finding yourself again—if it's being spoken through your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. The language directs you to serve yourself, return to the memories of the past and sit with those emotions of fear, anger, sadness, etc.,whatever came up and input boundaries with other people and things based on what you needed back then. Look at what behavior or beliefs you were shamed for—made to feel bad for. How would you feel doing that now? Follow your feelings and retrain yourself to express your emotions as they come up in a way that honors you and maintains your boundaries. Because when we start insulting or wanting to make others feel what we feel, it turns into a moment about our happiness and the needs of the other person or thing. Communication that insults others removes any authentic connection or evolution of the situation, and more importantly, it robs us of what we need.
So just to be precise—if this is your primary language, your journey back to self is about focusing on the areas where you feel you need to give/always say yes or where you are giving the most. Start by exploring why you feel this need to provide. Following this pathway will link you to memories of experiences where you buried yourself and trapped your emotions.
Selflessness is not an identity or personality. It is an idealistic prison—keeping yourself from experiencing your own life by focusing on others. You need to be selfish. Your life and light depend on it.
