The Secret Place Codependency hides

Where independence becomes codependency…

For as long as I can remember my biggest strength has been my independence. Growing up it was the thing I was praised most for next to my “hard work ethic”. In my eyes it was one of the two things that made me stand out. My siblings were all naturally beyond gifted at sports – it felt like they could look at sport and be a top performer. I on the other hand had to work really hard to just make the team.

And when it came to my peers – I wasn’t a top performer academically. In fact, I spent grades K – 8 in varying levels of learning support/special education classes. And even when I was finally out of that programming – I still found I couldn’t focus the same way as my friends (who were mostly all high performing scholars and musically gifted). Everywhere I looked everyone had “a thing” that they just seemed to excel at with little to no effort…everyone except me.

I hated it. I grew resentful and bitter. Needing Help felt a reoccurring reminder that I was not the same or as good as everyone else. I would rack my brain trying to pin point something – anything that I seemed to be naturally good at. The list was short.

1) Talking to People- At that young age I assumed everyone had this skill and no one talked about this being a talent so I thought this was useless and was not a real skill.

2) Hard Working – I tried to stop feeling sorry for myself by focusing on the fact that yeah maybe everyone was naturally better than me, but no one could out work me. It became an entire identity from ages 14 – 24.

3) Independent – I became aware that the reason I had accomplished certain things or anything at all was because I was willing to do things on my own and work hard on my own. And this is what we are talking about today.

My independent nature was EVERYTHING to me. It was one of the things I felt made me stand out. It was a quality that so many adults were telling me “kids in my generation” lacked and praised me for. And I wasn’t used to being praised - So I held onto it with a tight fist. As time went on I leaned on it to protect me, to define me, to save me – from heart break, failure, from my own emotions. Not realizing that my “most prized” characteristic was slowly being ground into a weakness chasm within my soul.

Personal independence is great! And so many (like me) were raised to be independent at all costs – that depending on anything or anyone outside of yourself was weakness, vulnerability, and would ultimately subject you to avoidable hardships. When then does it start to transform into something else?

As with anything – when it is being used to define us or to keep our heart halfway out the door. It becomes something I call “Hyper-independence” and I see it most commonly in other women. Instead of our independence being about loving and showing up for ourselves emotionally and physically it becomes about pushing everything out. Becoming stoic. Not letting anything effect you or cause you to “React”. Keeping people at a distance and trying to emotionally disconnect. When our independence starts to take on stoic characteristics and expression it means we are hiding things we don’t want to face in its shadows. And most frequently hidden in the dark depths of hyper-independence is codependency, fear, and abandonment of the self.

I know what you’re thinking…”Annamarie that’s LITERALLY the opposite of what independence is”. You’re right – however, I want you to think about your life – what are the reasons you “need to be independent” or what are the things you feel you “have to do”?

Codependence doesn’t have to show up through other people – in fact in most causes it is expressed through our relationship with our actions such as working out, routine, work, identities, accomplishments, etc., long before we let our codependent habits be expressed in our personal relationships (if at all).  Our stoicness (I honestly am not sure that is a word but I’m using it) and hyper independence create within us a dependence on external things, actions, or environments – whatever keeps us from feeling – keeps us afloat emotionally and mentally. The more we depend on our “independence” for survival the more fragile we become inside.

Independence isn’t supposed to mean do and face everything ourselves or be unattached or uncaring about personal relationships. Independence means valuing yourself and loving yourself without influence of others. Feeling your feelings, seeing all parts of yourself, and experiencing life’s up and downs and not abandoning yourself.

But because of various environmental and generational factors many of us were taught that independence is a survival skill. A way to turn off emotions so you can prevent death - physical, emotional, or spiritual. This form of hyper-independence was the only thing that could protect you. But it ends up leading us into shame of inner emotions and wants. And starves us from the inside out.

Independence without feeling, without emotion, creates a famine of the soul. And it can be hard to separate the two – trust me I am an actively recovering hyper-independent stoic. I STILL struggle asking for help or letting people in and when I was neck deep in my stoic ways I would frequently have regular meltdowns, felt lonely, distrusting, and angry. I constantly braced myself for the person to leave and could not handle a drop of unexpected emotion. It overwhelmed me. And without realizing it I become dependent on things like working out, a busy schedule, or accomplishments to keep my emotions in check. And when I would allow emotions to enter into any relationship, I couldn’t handle it. Conflict or sadness would be too much, and I ended up denying myself the connection I knew I craved.

For example, growing up (and to this present day) my family doesn’t do affection – ESPECIALLY hugs (only when saying goodbye or if something terrible has happened). My dad always praised me for “not being one of those people who is touchy feely”, “Not being one of those emotional girls” or someone who “gets too attached in relationships”.

And it became part of my whole “independent persona”. Even though I was constantly surrounding myself with friends and boyfriends that were very cuddly people and the opposite of what I claimed to be and want. It wasn’t until college when my boyfriend at the time pointed out that I was hiding this deeply emotional part of myself in my independent or lone wolf persona. It is one of those conversations that vividly sticks in your mind. I’ll share it with you here…

Laying down after classes Bryan (my boyfriend at the time) said: “You’re like a secret spy” to which I turned my head and looked at him suspiciously pursing my lips and scrunching my nose in confusion “What? Do you mean because I literally can do anything and am a very skilled people person? Or are you saying I am sneaky?” I responded with a smirk.

“No. You pretend to be this cold-blooded all business, I don’t like to cuddle, I have no emotions person. But underneath all your years of hard-core green training is this super cuddly heart on her sleeve hopeless romantic. It’s one of the reasons I love you. But That’s why you get so annoyed when things aren’t done a certain way. You don’t show what you really want. You want everyone to see past your secret spy identity”……[pauses thinking as I start to glare at him]. “You’re just like Lana (a character from the adult-cartoon Archer).” “OR A CAT! Actually Annamarie you are such a cat! You even knock things over in protest sometimes.”

Bryan was the first person to make me recognize (to my face) that this hyper-independent personality I had created was a façade that was making me miss out things in life that I wanted. Or that this disconnect from any type of feeling was leaving me deeply lonely and depleted. Whenever we starve our emotional selves, it creates an unhealthy attachment to things outside of ourselves. It will drive our decisions and take us further away from a life that feels fulfilling, safe, and filled with love.

So how to tell if you hyper-independent? Ask yourself these questions…

1)      When someone asks you to describe yourself in 3 words is independent one of the 3?

2)      Do you find yourself saying “It’s fine” or “It doesn’t matter” when it comes to what your feeling/ conflict w/ other people?

3)      Do you find yourself obsessed with certain activities or feeling the need to do certain things to fill time? Such as working out, using substances, learning, tv, etc

When our independence starts to cripple us from the inside it’ll start expressing itself by activities or actions that help us stay disconnected from our emotions or from other people. And for us to continue to keep these emotions at bay we need to continue doing these same things or other things which start the cycle/pattern of codependence through the survival need to be independent (or without others).

Independence was never meant to be living your life without emotion, without community, without relationship, without expression, or without love. Living without those things is to just exist it starves your mind, body, and soul – it disconnects you from the present moments, peace, and pleasure. And instead attaches you to temporary fixes of specific distracting actions.

If you want to start changing this pattern and get out of this habit watch this video and try the activity.

Thank you so much for joining me this week! Love you all lots and I am cheering for you!

Annamarie